catalysts and such

Do you ever learn things about yourself that you wish weren't true? i have had a lot of time recently for some self-speculation and it hasn't always been fun.

First of all, i have realized that i am really not that great at making friends. i am not sure what it is, maybe it is 65% fear, 25% awkwardness, and 10% personal hygiene? (i brush my teeth, i promise! i just may or may not take a shower every day)

i have met a few people, but i am just not quite sure how to move from acquaintance to exchanging phone numbers and helping them move (Seinfeld reference, anyone?). There is a part of me that thinks, maybe i am just in a season where i am not around a lot of people, but then i think, i have been in this season for over two years now and i am ready to be back in a close group of friends. i think that is what sucks the most about growing older is that everyone that i love moves away or gets married (or both).

Another thing that i have noticed about myself is how sketch i am sometimes. For example, a friend of mine invited me to come over and help stuff wedding invitations. The day of the get together, i looked the invite up online and discovered, not only had it started an hour previously, but that i had never RSVPed (sp?). How sketch is that? Ok, here is another example, lest you think this is an anomaly - i went to a baby shower a little while ago and though i brought a gift, it was unwrapped, so the host of the party went to find a bag for me to place the gift in, but i had to ask the mom-to-be to return the bag to the host after she opened it (of course i had to ID myself because i did not have a card with the gift either). Call me mis-mannered. (Get it? Miss mannered, mis-mannered? ha ha, i crack myself up.)

Anyways, i get really uncomfortable and anxious when i think about areas in my life where my performance is less than stellar, and this is only the tip of the ice-burg when it comes to my short comings, but these are just the ones that i am thinking about right now.

But i guess we really can't improve on ourselves if we don't know what needs to be fixed. But then i think, what is personality and what is a fault? Am i shy or protecting my pride? Am i forgetful or thoughtless and lazy?

i have been listening to this song by Jars of Clay (thanks Erika!) And i have had this one line running through my head:

nothing ever changes by itself

What are those change-agents called? Catalysts. i need a catalyst to initiate change because you know, i am just not so self-motivated. Another flaw? maybe.

i just can't seem to get all of myself going in the same direction to actually make some progress.

The good news is that i have a busy week ahead. Maybe i will actually get something productive done.